The Lotus and the Lamb

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The white and pink dress and bow mirror the colors of a lotus flower. Like my younger self standing in front of a dark landscape, a lotus is able to bloom from a muddy pond, representing purity and self-worth that can survive even in darkness.

I chose to include my beloved stuffed animal lamb, “Ba,” because, in Christianity, a lamb symbolizes suffering, gentleness, and innocence. To me, it reflects the fragile parts of girlhood that are often lost in the struggle with body image, the desire to remain pure, soft, and loved in a world that teaches us to critique rather than nurture ourselves.

The lamb also carries a sense of sacrifice. Within the context of this piece, it represents the parts of oneself that are unconsciously offered up in exchange for acceptance or validation. Just as the sacrificial lamb bears the weight of purity and sin, the figure in my work embodies the quiet surrender of innocence that occurs when self-worth becomes conditional. The inclusion of “Ba” serves as both a memorial and a reclamation, a reminder of what was lost, and a gentle act of forgiveness toward my younger self.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The development of this piece began as a cycle of symbolism. The blazing fire, the breaking figure, the draining girl, and the vulnerable positions of both subjects are interconnected. Seeking reassurance, validation, or care from another person may feel like a solution to internal battles with body image, yet it often deepens the strain between individuals.

I reflected on how a small fire can be extinguished with water, but a forest fire cannot. In the same way, when one tries to ease internal pain through another person, the attempt can cause the issue to spread, consuming both people until there is nothing left to save. Before I created this work, I was listening to “Savior Complex” by Phoebe Bridgers nonstop, and constantly thinking about the line “Wake up and start a big fire.” The idea of a savior lingered, as the urge to find safety in someone else, to be seen enough that the ache inside finally quiets. But the same way hunger becomes its own comfort, the chase for validation only deepens the emptiness it’s meant to fill. You begin to crave the feeling of being almost saved, almost whole, as if hovering on the edge of ruin keeps you alive. The control that once feels protective turns consuming; the comfort becomes punishment.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The ghost represents childhood innocence, watching from a distance as the fire of self-inflicted damage burns beyond her control. Her presence embodies both memory and mourning, a silent witness to what has been lost.

The dress and bow mirror those from The Lotus and the Lamb, but here my younger self appears as a ghost, suspended between past and present. This version of myself can no longer intervene, only observe. The painting connects to The Mistaken Savior, as the child who once sought protection now bears witness to the consequences of that search.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

While a fixation on food and creating irregular eating habits may feel like a source of control, it leads to the destruction of many aspects of one’s life. In this portrait, the figure from Creeping Envy reappears, this time enclosed within a snow globe of her own making. She gazes into it, confronting a younger version of herself suspended in an artificial calm as flames begin to rise around her. The burning snow globe represents the illusion of safety and control, a contained world that seems manageable until the boundaries themselves begin to melt.

The recurring fire motif from The Mistaken Savior, Watch and Wonder, and The Threshold appears here within a fragile, transparent space. It suggests that the attempt to control one’s body is itself a slow combustion, quiet, private, and devastatingly beautiful in its destruction. The piece captures the moment before collapse, when the warmth of control turns into the heat of self-consumption and the line between protection and ruin disappears.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

This piece explores the disorienting mental state that body dysmorphic thoughts can create, particularly the way they distort one’s perception of self. When the mind becomes a mirror of conflicting voices, it becomes difficult to distinguish truth from illusion. The figure sits beside the water, gazing down and finding no reflection. This absence represents the loss of clarity that occurs when self-image is consumed by obsession. The inability to see oneself clearly becomes both a punishment and a form of control.

The yellow butterflies serve as messengers, circling her as if whispering thoughts that no one else can hear. They embody the constant internal dialogue that accompanies body dysmorphia: the fleeting affirmations, the criticism, and the endless cycle of doubt. Their color and movement contrast the stillness of the figure, suggesting that while she remains trapped in her thoughts, her mind is alive with distorted motion and meaning.

I titled this piece Narcissus’s Antithesis in response to the Greek myth of Narcissus, who dies after falling in love with his reflection and forgetting to eat or sleep. In my interpretation, there is no reflection to fall in love with. Instead, there is only the longing to see something real. The painting challenges the misconception that eating disorders and body dysmorphia stem from vanity or superficiality. Rather, they arise from a deep fracture between perception and reality, a desperate search for understanding within one’s own image.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The dimly lit forest represents the fragile calm of sleep, a space that should offer rest but is quietly invaded by the mind’s unrest. The creeping red ivy winds through the trees like intrusive thoughts, threading fear and memory into the landscape. What begins as serenity becomes tainted by unease, reflecting the way anxiety and self-doubt infiltrate even the most peaceful corners of the subconscious.

The forest becomes a threshold between escape and entrapment, where the desire to rest is shadowed by what follows in silence.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

This Scholastic Gold Key–winning piece expands upon the themes introduced in Glittering Ideal. The girl is now fully submerged in water, illustrating how negative self-image can overtake and consume one’s sense of self. The ravens that once hovered distantly have multiplied, surrounding her completely, reflecting the inescapable nature of destructive thought. The water represents both surrender and silence, while the ravens embody the haunting clarity that comes with self-awareness. Together, they create a scene of quiet chaos, where understanding one’s pain becomes indistinguishable from being trapped within it.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

Process(es): The color scheme, composition, and desolate setting were all intentionally chosen to evoke a sense of lost innocence and a naive outlook fading into awareness.

This was the first work I created in this portfolio, and it represents a kind of grief for one’s former self. The painting depicts my younger self standing in a barren mountain landscape, holding hands with a large ghostly figure beneath a dimming sunset. The mountains and fading light create a feeling of isolation and transition, capturing the moment when childhood fades into something heavier and more self-conscious.

The ghost figure embodies the lingering presence of who I once was: innocent, unknowing, and untouched by the distorted perceptions that would later take hold. By reaching out to this figure, my younger self seeks comfort from a version of herself that no longer exists. The empty landscape mirrors the internal emptiness that comes with growing up and realizing how fragile self-perception can become.

This piece became the foundation for the rest of my portfolio, marking the beginning of a journey through memory, self-image, and healing. It represents the first step in confronting not just how I was seen, but how I learned to see myself.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

Red tones convey vulnerability and the lingering sting of poison ivy. The bath becomes an attempt to soothe unwanted thoughts, a ritual of cleansing that never fully works.

Poison ivy reappears here as a recurring motif, but it takes on an infectious quality. It slips under the window from the outside, blurring the boundary between safety and exposure. The fragile girl in the bathtub becomes both the patient and the cause, surrounded by the quiet chaos of her own mind. Following Peace, Interrupted, this piece continues the investigation of intrusion, showing how unwanted thoughts seep inward and transform even moments of calm into something toxic and restless.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board, Barbie, blue dress from "Retrospective Vigilant" begins to fade alongside innocence

The raven symbolizes both destructiveness and insight, emerging from the desire to possess Barbie’s unattainable figure.

After visiting Mark Ryden’s pop-up gallery in Los Angeles, where his collaboration with Barbie reimagined the doll through a surreal lens, I was inspired to create a work that confronted the influence of this icon on self-image. I incorporated the actual Barbie from my childhood rather than painting her, creating a tangible divide between the idealized object and the imperfect human form. This separation reflects the inaccessibility of Barbie’s flawless features and the danger of aspiring toward them.

The raven became a recurring motif in my portfolio after this piece, a harbinger of self-destruction and awareness. It foreshadows the darkness that gathers behind the surface of beauty, as Barbie’s glitter and perfection stand before the approaching storm. The contrast between the doll’s polish and the looming chaos captures the moment where admiration turns to obsession, and the pursuit of perfection begins to consume what is real.

Static

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board
Process(es): Juxtaposition reveals the unseen struggles beneath stillness, where ice begins to crack and darkness rises below. I studied Mark Ryden’s color schemes in The Snow Yak Show paintings and his work Aurora from his gallery Dodecahedron to achieve a similar sense of fragile calm and quiet unease.

The girl sits submerged in water, her hands glowing red as she stares at them with a mixture of fear and recognition. The surrounding world appears frozen, yet beneath the surface, fractures begin to form. The red of her hands suggests both warmth and injury, symbolizing the tension between life and decay. Everything feels suspended in time, but the ice below hints at an inevitable collapse. This moment captures the fragility of control and the quiet violence of inner turmoil hidden beneath an outward calm.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The contrasting red lines represent mistrust and doubt, cutting through the black-and-white portrait like intrusive thoughts. The red interrupts the stillness, mirroring the tension between external validation and internal criticism.

The blurred lines emphasize distortion, reflecting the contradiction between how others speak about one’s body and how those words are internalized. This conflict creates an unstable sense of self, where clarity fades and perception becomes fractured. The piece captures the quiet chaos of seeing oneself through both the lens of others and the distortions of one’s own mind.

Turbulence

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The juxtaposition of red and blue tones reflects the search for comfort and control through self-destructive habits. The warmth of red suggests urgency and vulnerability, while the coolness of blue evokes restraint and denial, creating a visual tension that mirrors the inner conflict between harm and healing.

The butterfly motif from Narcissus’s Antithesis reappears, symbolizing the persistence of misleading thoughts and the fragile beauty of illusion. The butterflies act as messengers, carrying distorted interpretations of others’ words, which the figure clings to as justification for continuing disordered behaviors. This piece captures the cycle of seeking meaning in false reassurance and mistaking destruction for control.

Material(s): Acrylic on canvas board

The separation between the unharmed and burnt-away land reflects the tension between safety and self-destruction. The figure remains on the side of harm, paralyzed by the fear that healing means surrendering control. The contrast between these two landscapes represents the psychological divide between comfort in chaos and the uncertainty of recovery.

As the final piece in my portfolio, this work is not an ending or a beginning but a threshold. It captures the moment of hesitation before change, the fragile space where awareness meets resistance and where destruction and renewal coexist.